“It’s a guy thing,” he says, implying she doesn’t understand.

Sometimes we have a soul mate who seems to know us without words — at least he or she did when we first began dating. Other times, it seems no one knows us at all. We all long to be truly known and understood, especially by our partner, and if you can offer empathy as a free gift to your partner, it will truly be a gift of great value.

Empathy is the understanding or shared vicarious experience of another being’s feelings, thoughts, or attitudes. Here are some points on empathy to help you along your path of gift giving.

First, stop thinking about yourself. You can’t possibly understand someone if you don’t know that person. And you can’t know what someone else is thinking or feeling if you are only focused on yourself — you simply won’t even notice. So, step one is to start thinking about the other person. Notice that person, pay attention to him or wonder about the mystery of her, and stop thinking about yourself for a moment.

Second, be curious. Our actions make sense to us, but may not necessarily seem so obvious to others. You may not agree with someone’s rationale, but to that person it all makes sense. A thief steals because, “I deserve it,” or “they don’t need it,” etc. If you find yourself declaring with exasperation that your partner “just makes no sense,” then you really don’t know that partner very well, because to him or her, it makes perfect sense. Ask questions of curiosity.
    “What were you thinking when you said —?”
    “Why is this so important to you?”
    “What was that like?”
    “What were you hoping would happen next?”

Explore the thoughts, feelings, and actions of your partner with open-ended questions. These questions are not to interrogate, prove your point, or lead into your next statement. They are just a longing to know, really know, the person you love. Treat that loved one as the most fascinating, intriguing person you have ever met. That person likely is, if you have chosen him or her as your partner.

Third, take a dose of humility. You really don’t know everything about your partner. Only God can read minds. We think because we have lived with someone for a long time, we know all about that person. There is nothing automatic about proximity and knowing. Couples in marriage therapy often hear information from their partners for the first time simply because someone else asks a question. Attention, listening, and a humble approach from the perspective of asking instead of assuming, all lead to a wonderful sense of personal connection. Do you remember how you did that on your first date? Do it again! Even if you don’t learn something new, the person will feel heard and understood in new ways.

Fourth, be courageous. Sometimes we avoid knowing what other people think or feel because it makes us uncomfortable. We might be uncomfortable with strong emotions and afraid we won’t know what to say or do if another person has them. We might prefer not knowing about the feelings so we aren’t responsible to act. Or worse yet, we might be a part of the reason for that strong emotions and are not yet willing to change or apologize. There is no solution to this, except courage. Whether you empathize with it or not, your partner already thinks or feels what he or she does. You might as well learn it, acknowledge it, and then decide what to do — if anything — about it. In order to be empathic, we have to be willing to make truth a higher priority than our own defensiveness. We have to not be afraid of the truth.

Fifth, understanding how someone feels or what someone believes does not mean you agree. Often we avoid acknowledging a person’s view because we feel as if that means we condone it. Separate the process of understanding someone’s view from responding to it. After you understand your partner, then you can decide if you want to persuade your partner to think differently, argue with her view of reality, defend your position, express your own feelings, respond with love, take action, or do nothing and just let her be where she is — which is often the best choice.

Lastly, just let your partner be where he or she already is. You can empathize with your partner without needing to try to change him. Often, because we love someone we want to help that person feel better, be happy, or solve his problems. Be aware of the times you say to yourself, “I just want him to… ” No matter how well meaning, this is your agenda and will cause your partner to feel the pull or push and resist. Instead, try letting him just be where he is. When someone receives empathy, acknowledgement, and permission to feel what he already feels, it frees that person to move forward. It is the water in the desert he has longed for in order to take the next step forward. Your partner knows what to do next, he just needs someone along side who says, “I see you.”

Offer the gift of empathy to your partner. In preparation, spend a few minutes imagining yourself practicing empathy with him or her. Imagine a scene and a dialogue. Imagine that person’s response. When you are done, ask yourself how you feel about the encounter you imagined. Repeat this process until you have mentally practiced being a good listener, giving the gift of empathy, and feeling happy about it. You will be amazed at what your loved one does with your gift of empathy when you actually give it.

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